Dorothy Can Have My Ticket Home!!

I travel more than I’d like to admit and it can be draining yet very peaceful at the same time. On one of those recent trips I was able to watch episodes of Vh1’s Behind the Music presents T.I and 50 cent. Both episodes collectively gave me a great insight into the rappers lives and watching the show confirmed that I am not the only one suffering with this problem I’ve been personally battling with on a daily basis. After accumulating a certain amount of success ‘Is it ok to go home and voluntarily put yourself under scrutiny of your peers’ or ‘Is it better to move far away and develop a new life with people who have accumulated the same amount if not more success as you?’

It’s no secret that I am an “around the way girl”, when saying that I only mean I’m very down to earth no matter where I am or who I am dealing with at the moment. I am the same girl that was first introduced to the world on Americas Next Top Model, the only difference is now I have grown into a woman and have had more life experiences in the past 3 years than most people get in a lifetime. I grew up in Queens NY and remember as little girl being excited to watch rapper Ja Rule tape his videos in our neighborhood and loved watching everyone hug him, wish him well and saying how “real” he was for always coming home and not forgetting where his roots. Time would go on as I grew up and I would hear those same well-wishers say very nasty things about him because he stopped filming his videos in Queens, and because he didn’t come around as much. I didn’t understand the situation much but I remembered that feeling I first got watching everyone so excited to see him and I hold onto that feeling even today in my adult life.

I traveled to South Africa and met up with a celebrity stylist from my neighborhood and life is funny like that; you can travel halfway around the world and meet up with someone you should have come in contact with a long time ago. She asked me where I stayed when I came home and when I told her she was shocked, she told me it won’t work out and to move on fast. Her reason was simple, all the people you grew up with will not want to see you win because they can’t understand what you’re experiencing and why you are changing so fast because they are still in the same place. I didn’t believe her then but life would soon prove that she was completely right.

There is nothing like the love you get from your own community when you do well and when I would walk the streets of New York City I’d get stopped constantly by well wishers. I would hear stories of how I was someone’s favorite and they wanted my picture and my autograph. That feeling I held onto for so many years would resurface and I didn’t want to let it go. I promised myself I wouldn’t let my well-wishers go sour over time like I had previously saw with Ja Rule for example. Time would go on and it seemed like the inevitable was bound to happen as I would soon travel and come home to share my stories, what I’ve learned to those I thought were my friends. Unfortunately they would turn and ask me if I thought I was better than them? I didn’t want to lose my friends or well-wishers so I began to dumb myself down and try to act even more ‘anti’ everything just to fit in. I realize now I was sabotaging myself and risking my jobs by hanging out late and with the wrong people to prove I was still the same Bianca and had not become “Hollywood” as they once called me. While watching 50 cent’s and T.I’s life stories I realize I am not the only one guilty of this and now know it’s very hard for anyone in any position of success to leave their comfort zone and to hear people you trust say you’ve changed, is like daggers to your soul.

One day I looked around at the crowd I was keeping and the image I was trying to keep up with and realized I was turning into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I shouldn’t have to portray I’m something that I’m not anymore. Since my stint on Americas Next Top Model 3 years ago, I have lost more friends than I can count. I don’t have the answers to every question or the perfect advice but my life experience has allowed me to share this with anyone who is struggling with fitting in when you don’t fit in anymore. It’s ok to move on and change friends, surroundings or normal behaviors and not feel guilty. People come in your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When someone approaches you and states that you’ve changed thank them because that’s what life is about and it simply means that you are on the right track. Those who truly want the best for you will support you and your new lease on life. So let some people go and make room in your life for the next season of friends.